I think I’ve been offline for a few reasons. One of the reasons is I was not sure what to or how to speak in regards to Dr. Ford’s upcoming testimony. I am here as with many Americans watching the testimony. I stand with HER. As a fellow trauma survivor I totally understand where she is coming from and why she waited to come forward. I understand how moments are drilled into her memory and other aspects are not remembered. I too recall the events of the night, the play by play of the actual assault but I don’t remember the exact date. I remember the movie I watched prior, I remember waking up and going home but I do not remember the date, the month, nothing. I’m sure I could whittle it down. The movie was new to theaters so I could track the movie’s release dates and narrow down the timeline but I can’t tell you everything.
It irritates me sometimes that I can’t recall the entire night. Maybe it’s a self protection mechanism that our body provides to help us cope. I am not sure as to the why. But I can tell you that we must listen and we must believe. Nobody would ruin their lives to come forward. I didn’t come forward, I never came forward. I have told my story in a book but I have not told the person’s name to anyone except family, my husband, my therapist at the time and 2 good friends. Because this person was also a minor I actually kept their identity private for good reason.
Sadly this wasn’t the only trauma in my life. I had 2 others and both of the men, I also didn’t reveal their identity. Again, family, therapist, and husband know but otherwise it’s private and that was my choice and it should have been Dr. Ford’s choice as well. I wish I had said something at the time of the 3rd assault. I think had I gone to authorities that man would have been held accountable. I wasn’t so much worried about him I was concerned for his extended family for reasons I won’t reveal here. Now, I can breathe freely of the pain and the trauma. Why? Because I dug deep and in 2000, 2001 and 2002 I went to therapy and processed the trauma using EMDR therapy and traditional talk therapy and I am no longer traumatized.
I am here today watching Dr. Ford’s testimony and I feel for her. I empathize with her and I know just how hard this is. There was one final, 4th, assault- a groping incident on the train in the summer of 1999 and I did press charges and I testified in court. I was believed by the judge and the attorneys and even the defense attorneys. They simply wanted him to receive probation and that is what he got. When I was asked if he should be placed on the sex-offender registry, I said no. Why? He groped me, my clothes remained on and I didn’t want to ruin his life. Was it a wrong decision? I don’t know. I don’t recall his name so I can’t look him up to see if he did anything to anyone else. I can only hope that he took the probation as a lesson and he changed his ways. I will never know.
What I can tell you is that I stand with HER. I am very upset that folks that I thought I knew are so hell-bent on the fact they want Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court that they don’t believe Dr. Ford. I am awakened to the sad reality that sometimes people are so convinced that if they get another conservative on the bench that their belief in him is what is needed. I do not agree. It has helped me clean up my friend group and maybe that’s what I will take from this. I know who I can trust and who are my allies and I know people that I know that are living with fear and afraid of a balanced Supreme Court.